Adventures in Oddity: The King of Cellulite. . .

Saturday, March 12, 2011

The King of Cellulite. . .

His zippers bust, his buckles break
He's too much man for you to take
The pavement cracks when he falls down
He's got more chins than chinatown. . . .

Which, I am positive. . . . is not a genetic tendency. . . .

Ham on. . . . Ham on whole wheat. . . . alright. . . .

He gained 16 ounces in 7 days. That's worth noting.

4 comments:

mattksgirls said...: 16 oz. in 7 days?! WOWsers! oh i just LLLOOOOVVVEEEE chunky babies! all the more to kiss...; March 12, 2011 at 9:48 AM
Unknown said...: Ah, we love every wrinkle and chin! No, he COULDN'T have gotten that from ME!! Could he??; March 14, 2011 at 7:01 PM
G-Unit said...: I wish I could hold the little chunk!; March 18, 2011 at 12:56 AM
emily said...: Jenny- he is so perfect. I'm so happy for you guys. ♥; March 18, 2011 at 9:59 AM

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Favorite Quotes from my Favorite People:

July 2012 Me: Looks like there is enough bread left for each person to have one piece. D: Well, can you cut them all in half so that we can each have TWO pieces?

June 2012 D: I'm gonna go practice my kung-fu moves so I can beat Obama.

June 2012 J: Last week I saw an especially large, slow winged mutation of a hummingbird. No, really.

June 2012 D: Look at the picture I drew, mom. Here is the bad guy with all these bullets, but it's a good thing they didn't go through my shield, see? And here is the other bad guy. He didn't see that my shield shoots tons and TONS of bullets. . . and see all the blood? That means he's dead. And here is an airplane in the sky, and all the stars, and here is an angel, 15,000 feet up, watching.

June 2012 S: Mom, how do you kill a dragon? Me: Well, first you need a brave white knight with a silver sword. . . D: Or a thirty ot six?

June 2012 J: (singing) Muscle Man. . . Muscle Man. . . Does whatever a . . . . Muscle. . . can?

June 2012 G: If it wasn't for the music, I wouldn't even watch Jeopardy.

May 2012 Me: What should we make for Memorial Day dessert, guys? J: Chocolate cake! Nana: Cheesecake! S: Cookies with sprinkles like an American Flag! D: I think we should make a gingerbread house with a bunch of dead guys inside it so we can remember them on Memorial Day.

May 2012 D: Let's play again, mommy, so that you can win one. I'll go easy on you.

May 2012 G: I'm glad World War 2 isn't still going.

April 2012 Me: Look, Danny, a KIA Soul! D: Mom, that's a Sportage.

April 2012 D: How many carrots should I peel, mom? Me: Six. D: Oh, I already did seven. Me: That's fine. D: If I did eight would it be more fine?

April 2012 Grandpa: Caleb, are you a stinker? C: Um. . .
Grandpa: Are you a little bit of a stinker? C: No, Grandpa, a LOT!

April 2012 G: Mommy, after I am married, I will come visit you often. Me: Thank you, I will be a lonely old woman, Daddy will be too deaf to have a conversation with. Rob: Oh, honey, you won't be lonely, we can always text.

March 2012 G: Oh, mommy, your flowers look downhearted. . .

March 2012 Rob (digging a huge trench for a sewer line): Either I'm getting tired, or this dirt is getting heavier. D: Daddy, you go rest, I'll finish this up for you.

March 2012 (about digging trenches) S: I love this job. I think I want to do this for the rest of my life.

March 2012 S: Mom, where can I find two different types of atoms? Me: I don't know. S: Well, I've been looking around and I can't find two different kinds. I was watching this show, and they were taking two atoms and smashing them together, and I thought maybe I'd try that, so where can I find some?

Jan 2012 D: Look mom, there's a KIA. Me: A what? D: A KIA Soul--"It's a new way to roll", mom. Me: Thank you, Wheel of Fortune.

Dec 2011 Me: What's your order for Taco Bell? D: One Breen Bido and half a soft taco. And then I'll still be hungry. Me: How about the other half of the soft taco? D: That might be too much. But, I'll try.

Dec 2011 Nana: How does a cow go? C: Moo!!! Nana: And how does a chicken go? C: Yum!!!

Dec 2011 (After seeing a living nativity) G: . . . and there was this angel. She didn't say anything, but she looked SOOO GOOD.

Dec 2011 S: It's like this mom. If I had a ball. And the ball was your answer to my question. And the hand holding the ball was my brain. Well, my brain just chucked that ball a mile.

Dec 2011 D: Dear Jesus, thank you for this food. . . and help mommy to not have any more ball-gladder traps. Amen

Dec 2011 G: How come in nativity scenes Mary is always wearing blue and white?

Dec 2011 (while playing rock paper scissors) D: HEY! MOO-OOM!!! How come all I ever get is the rock???

Dec 2011 S: How do we have cherries in December? Me: These came all the way from Chile in South America. It is summer time there, so they can grow. S: That's not possible, mom. Me: Yes, it's in the Southern Hemisphere, so their seasons are opposite ours. S: No, mom. It can't be Summer there. It's too CHILLY. HAHAHAHAHA.

Dec 2011 (During church, whispering) S: Mom, what does Deo mean? Me: Ask me after church is over. S: Do you mean you don't really know?

Dec 2011 Pastor Tim: You know, the last time I was at Panera Bread, I asked for a gingerbread man, and when she picked him up, his arm fell off. D: Wow. I'll be praying for that gingerbread man, hope they can fix his arm.

Dec 2011 D: So, if someone that was dying just like touched Jesus. . . And if they were Faith. . . And then would they just get up and not be dead anymore?

Nov 2011 D:". . . and the home of the brave!". . . . Mommy what does "brave" mean?? Me: You know, like "I'm so brave, I'm going to go fight that bear." D: OH, you mean like Daddy!

Nov 2011 D: Can God kill a bear with just one breath? Nana: Yeah, and so can some other people.

Nov. 2011 J: When was this made, Dad? Rob: Oh, I don't know, I was in fourth or fifth grade, I guess. J: WOW. THAT'S. OLD.

Nov 2011 G: You really don't look that old, Nana.

Nov 2011 G: (to Isaiah) You're just as sweet as a booger!!! Me: I see two problems here. . . .

Nov 2011 J: Nana, what was it like living in the Great Depression? G: Yeah, Nana, what was it like during the Dispersion?

Nov 2011 D: Mommy, you're my favorite mommy in the whole wide world. Me: Wow, thank you. You're my favorite Danny in the whole wide world. Except there is one other one who runs a close second. D: Really? Who? Is it Isaiah?

Nov 2011 D: I just love you a little, Nana. N: Oh, that's too bad, I guess I'll have to take all those Christmas presents back, then. D: Well, I love Christmas presents a whole bunch! Now I love you a LOT!

Nov 2011 R: So, Sam, are you gonna make it? S: What do you mean by that? R:It's just a way of saying "How are you?" S: Oh. Why are you asking me that? R: Never mind.

Oct 2011 Me: You guys know not to eat Holly Berries, right? Just three berries can give you severe and prolonged V and D. S: What about if you eat just ONE berry?

Oct. 2011 Nana: Danny, do you want to help me with the guacamole? D: Oh, Nana, we haven't had bracamole in like 175 billion years. Nana: Jen, are you teaching evolution or creation?

Oct 2011 G: Mom, I've been noticing. . . all the other little girls have a sister! Me: That's not true. G: Name one. Me: Cecilia. G: Yet.

Oct 2011 J: Mom, when will dinner be ready? Me: Momentarily. J: HOW "momentarily"? Me: Maybe five minutes. J: That's not very momentarily. In fact, that's 300 momentarily's.

Oct 2011 S: Mom, do you want a lick of my sucker? Me: No, thanks. S: Are you SURE? It's maraschino cherry flavor. . .

Oct 2011 (While playing a game) D: Can I just make up my own rules as I go here?

Oct. 2011 D: Nana, quick, I have to go to the bathroom, can you hold my sucker for me? . . . . Um. . . and can you not eat it?

Sept 2011 Rob: Matter has three states: Liquid, Solid. . . and can anyone name the other one? D: Eggs.

Sept 2011 D: Mom, someone got my bed all wet! Me: Did you pee the bed? D: NOOoooo. Me: Are your underwear wet? D: Yeah, they are, too, but I didn't pee the bed.

Sept. 2011 Me: I got several different kinds of plums this time. It's nice for a little variation. G: ". . . or shadow due to change?"

Sept 2011 D: (belch) Wow, that was a king sized burp.

Sept. 2011 Me: "Harold drew a bridge and crossed over to the other side. . ." D: Why didn't he just jump over the stream, it isn't very big. You know, just like *jump*. Like that? Me: I don't know, he drew a bridge instead. D: Well, he was being kind of wasteful with his purple crayon, don't you think so?

Sept 2011 S: Oh, I get it, a decimal point is kind of like the planet core. Like, if you had earth, and the core was the decimal, and then you surrounded it with other planets, it's like earth is just the middle. Like Planet+Planet= . . . .

Sept 2011 Me: Now, are you going to poke Danny in the eye anymore? C: Um. . . Yah!

Sept 2011 C: I. Love you. Dah.

Sept 2011 (in a conversation regarding the writing of the National Anthem) D: Mom, why didn't the good guys just take a jet-boat? (And, later. . .) When the bad guys shot at them, they should have just ducked.

Sept 2011 J: Hey, Mom, why didn't 8 want to get in line? Me: Why? J: Because Seven Ate Nine. :-)

Sept 2011 D: And Daddy, you know he was only a Halfalump, and his mommy was a whole lump. That's why Pooh called him a Halfalump.

Sept 2011 G: Mom, do you change your underwear EVERY day? Me: Yeeeessss. . . G: Oh, that's good.

Sept 2011 D: I wish I had a dog named Bolt.

Sept 2011 D: (suspicious) Hey, these crackers have holes in them!

Aug 2011 G: How did the Miller's know those eggs were fertilized?. . . Oh, I know! They must have found a rooster sitting on them!. . . People are more important than Chickens. . . . right, mom?

Aug 2011 Me: EVERYONE STOP QUOTING MOVIES!!! S: Okay, can I tell you about a dream I had? Me: Yes. S: My dream was about the movie "Charlotte's Web". . . Me: Groan. . .

Aug 2011 D: Do your ears sing low, do they wobble to and fro. . . can you throw them over your shoulder like a cotton candy soldier. . . . hee hee. . . mom can you put that on your blog???

Aug 2011 D: Daddy, can we take the long-cut home?

Aug 2011 G: Mommy, will you play tea party dolls with me? Me: No, sweetie, I can't right now, why don't you play with Danny? He loves playing tea party. G: I don't want to play with Danny, he makes everybody die. Me: You know what? I DO have some time, right now, in fact! :-(((

Aug 2011 C: (pointing to his oatmeal) Cin-na-mon?

Aug 2011 Rob: Jenny, go sit down, I'll finish these dishes.

Aug 2011 G: Was Grandpa Chuck a liver-lover?

Aug 2011 D: Daddy, when will my head be as big as yours?

Aug 2011 Me: People in France don't need therapists, they have pastry.

Aug 2011: D: (to himself, bitterly) I bet *I* could catch that gingerbread boy. . . .

Aug 2011: Me: Realization. "American Girl Dolls" are made in China, go look at the tag. Is anyone else feeling creepy crawling things up their backs?

Aug 2011: G: I have so many questions to ask God when I get to heaven. I don't know how I'm going to remember them all.

July 2011: C: Daddy. . . down. . . garage door?

July 2011: S: Mom, your soft hand is like a gentle breeze blowing on my face.

July 2011 D: Mommy, can I call you "Mommy-Batani-Mrs.-Pie-Eat-It?"

June 2011 D: Why does the sun just pop right up like that EVERY TIME?

June 2011 S: For my birthday, I'm going to choose Indian food. What do Indians eat, anyway??

June 2011 Rob: That's so funny, Jenny. Then again, it doesn't really take much to amuse me.

June 2011 G: Mom, you're "Elastigirl". Me: Why do you say that? G: Because you had all these babies! Your tummy just stretches right out. Look at you, you just get bigger and bigger! Me: Wow, I'm a superhero.

June 2011: Me: Gracen, make up a sentence that uses the word, "motionless". G: "I am motionless" Me: Good. Can you make a sentence that sort of explains what it means in the sentence, too? G: Sure. "Other people are not motionless, but I am."

June 2011 D: What if Gracen had a shooting star gun? Then she could go to Russia and kill all the bad Indians.

June 2011 D: Where are you going mom? Me: Walmart. D: Oh, well, have a fun venture!

June 2011: Me: (looking at houses for sale on computer) D: How much is THAT house, mommy? Me: 399K. D: Is that a lot? Me: Yes. D: Oh, I know! We could just put ALLLLL our money together and then we could buy it!!!!! Me: That's a GREAT idea!

May 2011 G: Mom, can we please get some orphans? Some girls, perhaps?

May 2011 J: I like this rock because it is more lustrous than the others.

May 2011 D: Oh, Yum! Fresh coconut! . . . Um. . . Mom? This tastes like soap! Me: Um, Danny, how do you know what soap tastes like?

May 2011 G: Danny, come on, let's go on vacation. D: Okay, where are we going? G: California

May 2011 S: Whew! That song made my lungs stand on end!

May 2011 S: Mom, can I tie dye the yard with paint, please?

April 2011 C: Zay-uh

April 2011 D: Mommy, Caleb and me are SO friends.

April 2011 D: When will Daddy be stronger than God? Me: Never. D: Well, when will he defeat God? Me: He can't. D: What?!! Well, what if he shot Him? Me: Great.

April 2011 C: Mom Me: Well, that took long enough!

April 2011 G: My favorite seasons are Spring and Fall. AND CHRISTMAS!

April 2011 D: LOOK, DADDY!!! I can lift my finger with just one finger!!!

April 2011 N: All I'm saying, Jenny, is that fat is flavor. And if we were on a menu, I would rather eat you than me. You're well marbled. . . .

March 2011: D: Why do we do this all day long? Bitty bitty bitty bum?

March 2011: D: Mommy, I'm a bacon man.

March 2011: Nana: "Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields. . . ???" D: . . . "um, watching their dogs in the darkness???"

March 2011 Nana: (reading) "Harold. . . took his purple crayon and set off on an adventure. . ." D: What's a venture? Nana: It's an exciting trip. D: Oh, I wish I could have one of those.

March 2011: S: What if the sun was made of LED's?

March 2011: S: It's sure a good thing Nemo didn't die, or they wouldn't have been able to make this movie.

March 2011: Me: Danny, why aren't you doing a good job? D: The other kids just let me get all distract.

March 2011: D: Why did you name him Isaiah Wessle, like a wessling match?

March 2011: S: I'm so glad it wasn't a girl!

March 2011: G: I didn't think Isaiah would be so cute, even though he's a boy.

Feb 2011 D: If I ate this whole apple in one bite, would I die? Me: Probably. D: If I ate this whole universe in one bite would I die MORE?

Feb 2011 G: I landed on Go, so I get $200. Nana: No, that says 'go to jail'. G: Oh, man.

Feb 2011 Me: Gracen, it's your turn to tell a story. G: Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Caleb Josiah. He was cute. . . . but complicated. . . .

Feb 2011 G: Hello, Mommy Tomato. Me: Mommy Tomato? G: Yeah, get it? Tomatoes are big and round, and you are big and round. . . get it? Me: Oh, I get it.

Jan 2011 D: Know who I like best? Me: Who? D: Everyone in this whole world.

Jan 2011 D: I keep trying to think about something, mom. Me: What's that? D: I don't know yet.

Jan 2011 D: Mommy, I just super love you.

Jan 2011 D: Mommy, I'm the hiccups.

Jan 2011 Me: I'm in the market for a 12 passenger Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang.

Jan 2011 Me: I ate a little of that, and it upset my stomach. S: Did it taste sweet in your mouth, but bitter in your stomach?

Jan 2011 J: What's a subluxation?

Jan 2011 D: Are we having meat-love for dinner?

Jan 2011 D: Can I just sleep in your bed with you, so that it will be all bigger with people?

Jan 2011: D: Why were Paul and that Barn guy just standing there?

Jan. 2011 S: Oh, these yolks are just delightful. . .

Jan 2011 Me: Turns out K'nex pieces that are swallowed by toddlers pass right on through. Don't ask me how I know this.

Jan 2011 G: Mommy, I think Caleb has a surprise for you. . . .

Jan 2011 S: How big would Goliath's nutcracker be?

Jan 2011 D: Mommy, here's a note I wrote for you. I don't know what it says.

Dec 2010 D: Mommy, in Hark the Herald Angels sing, is it "shot a brain," or "broke a brain"? Me: "hosts proclaim"

Dec 2010 D: Mommy, do you remember when we got married? Me: I married Daddy, not you. D: Oh. Well, do you remember when Grandpa Chuck married you?

Dec 2010 J: I'm trying to get over my stage fright. Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dec 2010 D: Am I going to be 4 for all of the days now?

Dec 2010 D: How much bucks is a car?

Dec 2010 D: Daddy, have you noticed that ghosts are not real? Rob: How do you know? D: Mommy said so.

Dec 2010 S: How much would it cost to buy the Polar Express? J: Millions and MILLIONS of dollars S: Brazilians? J: Oh, no, not Brazilians, that's too much money. S: Oh.

Dec 2010 S: I like my eggs splattery on the inside.

Dec 2010 D: What time is it outside?

Dec 2010 D: What kind of eggs are these? Me: Chicken. D: Why did you put chicken in my eggs? Yuk.

Dec. 2010 D: Mommy, do you want to blow this whistle? I'll wipe it off on my pants for you.

Dec 2010 G: Mommy, do you have a double chin? Me: I'm not obligated to answer that question.

Nov 2010 Nana: Jenny doesn't actually have a need to own an iron. . . . Me: That's true.

Nov 2010 G: Mom, is there chocolate in heaven? Me: No, I don't think so. G: Is there anything that girls like in heaven?

Nov. 2010 G: Deck the halls with bows of horry, fa ra ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.

Nov. 2010 J: Mom, can I read you a chapter from the Bible? Me: Yeah, sure. J: A record of the geneology of Jesus Christ the son of David, the son of Abraham. . . . . (on and on for almost eternity, but not quite, and yes, I mean the whole thing). . . .that was a long one, huh, mom? Me: Yep.

Nov 2010 D: I'm three, and on my birthday I'm going to be four, and then five and then six and then seven and then eight, and then nine, and then ten and THEN ELEVEN. Pause. And eleven is really just one and one so, that makes two, and I'm already three, and on my birthday I'm going to be four. . . . .

Oct. 2010 S: Jesus died on the cross, because he knew I was coming.

Oct 2010: D: Mommy, do horses have speed limits?